Me: Sir, on the count of three I'm going to pull you up closer towards my machine.
200+ pounds patient: Okay.
Me: 1,2,3....
::awkward pause::
Me: I'll get one of the guys to help me.
~~~

Colleague: B, did you meet Dr. M? Dr. M, B is from Egypt...
Me: *with attitude* I'm not Egyptian
Colleague: ...like you.
::awkward pause::

(No offense to anyone here, just proud to be Syrian)
~~~

*Pushes sanitizer dispenser before entering patient's room*
Me: Mrs. Jones, whats the reason that you're here today? *still rubbing hands to dry sanitizer*
::awkward pause::
*washes soap from hands*
~~~

Me: Ms. Gomez, were you in a car accident?
Ms. Gomez: Yes.
Me: And what happened?
Ms. Gomez: I slammed my face into the steering wheel and then to the side window.
Ms. Gomez: Do you have a mirror?
Me: No
Ms. Gomez: Do I look really bad?
::awkward pause::
~~~~

Me: Mr. frank, I'm just going to flush your IV port so its clean for me to use.
Mr. Frank: Do it fast.
Me: Okay, you're going to feel a little sting.
*flushes*
Mr. Frank: OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH YOU BITCH!
::whole department awkward pause::
~~~~

*All names are changed for confidentiality purposes.