It is strange how I feel the change in me, it is strange when you feel it is not you who acts or talks, it is someone else’s manners, ethics and morals, it is strange when you discover you can always be the better person not the worst one, it is strange when you remember how you used to act and talk and how immature and naughty you have been for long periods of time without any regrets or self blame.
You meet someone surprised about your opinion, you find someone talking about how you became a different person, you begin to realize that something happened to you, you have really changed over years and it is obvious to the people who use to know you, even if you try to deny it or to neglect this fact, you will end up by facing yourself with the truth in the end, you have definitely changed in the outside and the inside, I became a bit fatter now and definitely my character also changed through years.
For being fat, it never bothered me and it will never do, unless when I have to hear with patience some caring comments from the people who care about me, comments like how this may affect my health in the future or like how I gained extra pounds after marriage, and that I must pay attention, in the past I used to hate these comments but now I just think how this person really cares about me to just advise me anyway, and I really appreciate this and it make me realize how I changed in shape.
The real dilemma was that I thought I never changed in character since I was in high school which is clearly not true at all, I used to think I am still this young fellow full of big dreams and high expectations and I used to act as if I am this fellow till now, but a simple coincidence or a common chance confront you with the bare truth, someone you used to know several years ago, someone you accidentally pass by, someone who was with you at college or in the university and haven’t seen you since, they chock you with how matured and responsible you became, how much have you changed since they last saw you.
It may be something good and of course it must be appreciated but really deep inside me it never brought happiness to my heart, I am afraid I wanted to be always the young reckless fellow who had his big dreams in life and his high hopes in the future to come, who was full of power and life even with all the mistakes and misjudgements he used to have, this crazy person who usually chocks the people around him with his actions and attitude, and of course not this young dad with his worries and fears and the tons of responsibilities he carries wherever he goes.
This was my real personality in the past, it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being a father, it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being married or responsible for a whole family but it means I am still not seeing the whole picture, I am still not realizing the beauty and enjoyment of this phase in my life which is completely different from the enjoyments and fun of another prior phase.
A proof of the immaturity I am still suffering from in my personality which makes me prefer the bold unstable naughty life I used to enjoy in my youth over the blessed stable complex life I am enjoying now, when you think about it, you find it logically clear, but in reality things are never measured with the same standards and feelings, because even your tools of measurement have changed over years………………..