Sucky, strange, weird day.

So I’ve loved two guys in my life. Neither relationship worked out. One was a case of unrequited love on my part (and to make things lurvely he married one of my best friends) and the other was a case of me outgrowing him.

But other than that, no guy has ever really rocked my world. Unfortunately, I find most guys lacking. For me to love a guy, I have to feel that he’s really amazing, and my standards for amazing are v.v.high.

Six months ago, I fell in love. Only thing is, he is not interested in me. You can tell.

So, khalas. I’m not the kind of girl that’s going to die or get depressed or think of schemes to see him etc.

A week ago, a really good friend and colleague of mine proposed to me. And it’s the absolute worst scenario in the world. Not only is he a friend I care about, but we work together.

And it came completely out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea. I turned him down, in the most gentle way I could think of.

Two weeks ago, a couple of friends of mine told me about a guy I had met in the briefest trip ever who was apparently emailing them every day asking their advice about how to propose to me. A guy who has the word “stalker” written all over him–who sends me emails and messages and calls me and I never respond to him. You think he would get the message.

Today, I met all three of the guys, unplanned.

The guy I work with I met after a week of avoiding him–our first time to meet since he’d proposed and I turned him down. Awkwardness.

The email guy drove three hours to come see me to propose (we live in different cities) on the pretext of attending an event I was at. I took the coward’s way out and before he could do it I told him I was getting engaged.

The guy I’m in love with then invited me to a lecture tonight. Sadist that I am, I went. And had him walk me to my car, and open the door for me to get in. Who even does that anymore?! Gato neela.

Sigh.

So my question for tonight is: why is it the people you don’t care about are the ones who always care the most about you? And vice versa? Uff. Love sucks:

Rose Walker, The Sandman # 65

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

I hate love.”